Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
![Our life could be compared to a garden where, most of the time birds are singing, butterflies are hovering, flowers are blooming and where the water is wonderfully silent. But that once peaceful garden can change its appearance, oh, so rapidly – gardens need cultivating each and every day to survive.
[[MORE]]When we are born our mind is blank and we could presume in that case that our garden is empty where only the wind blows and the soil cracks. But then day after day, thanks to the love of the people around us, seeds start sprouting and grass starts to appear. When we start growing older we start opening our mind to friendship and the love and happiness it offers, so different sorts of plants start appearing: flowers start blossoming, insects start pollinating and trees start growing. Our mind is at rest and all we can possibly feel is the Joy of living – and we can’t imagine anything else. But suddenly as we hit ours teens we start to think differently and so, our subconscious tries to overcome the change. Therefore our once peaceful garden can, itself, evolve.
In the early years we start to forget about our beloved garden and stop cultivating it. Therefore, our subconscious is in an endless battle against itself to save this peaceful Eden, but without our support and the support of the people around us watering the idea of happiness there can no longer be true happiness. Suddenly our subconscious is worn down and gives way to the worries and the invisible dangers in life. We start the endless cycle of love and friendship.
We fall in love, that love powers our subconscious to fight back against the drought which then makes us feel more entwined with the Eden also known as love. But then life rapidly shows its thorns. We fall so low that nothing seems important anymore especially Happiness, even though we keep searching for it as though it was a pot of gold hidden at the end of the rainbow.
Our mind has taken five steps back and destroyed the peaceful feeling of our private Eden. The leaves fall off the branches, the flowers wither and the grass turns yellow from lack of watering. Every living soul shrivels up and disappears. Once again the only thing left in our mind is the shadows of the once blooming flowers.
Day by day, seeds of hope start to emerge to try and bring life back to our soul. But the death of the hope we once believed in has left scars in the shape of questions. So many questions, and as soon as one seed emerges, ten questions surround it forming a bubble, a bubble which drains the oxygen out and replaces it with anxiety, paranoia, and most of all pure sadness. And every single time a seed emerges, ten questions follow it to its grave. Once more, our subconscious finds itself in a great war to prevent the bubble from closing to let oxygen and sunlight through to the small and helpless seed of hope.
Then one day, your subconscious manages, with the help, once again, of the people around us and the love they offer, to water the new seeds and they rapidly germinate. We find happiness and we find true love, but once in a while we feel the sting of the rose’s thorn. It’s up to us to know when to fight and when to replant.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3log66ceR1qk7785o1_500.jpg)
Our life could be compared to a garden where, most of the time birds are singing, butterflies are hovering, flowers are blooming and where the water is wonderfully silent. But that once peaceful garden can change its appearance, oh, so rapidly – gardens need cultivating each and every day to survive.
La conscience individuel est généralement modelée aujourd’hui de telle sorte que chacun se sent obligé de penser: “Je suis ici, tout seul; tous les autres sont à l’extérieure, à l’extérieur de moi, et chacun d’eux poursuit comme moi son chemin tout seul, avec une intériorité qui n’appartient qu’à lui, qui est son véritable soi, son moi à l’état pur et il porte extérieurement un costume fait de ses relations avec les autres.” C’est ainsi que l’individu ressent les choses.
Norbert Elias
The 7th of April was the date. It was the day everything stopped and everything disappeared. It was the day I disappeared. It was the day I stopped. It was the day I died. The silence was deafening. The darkness was overpowering. Yet I do not know the whys and the hows, the only thing I know is that I was murdered. And, if I could go back, I’d do everything to just make sure she is safe, she is alright. I don’t know anything. I am dead. She could also be dead. Oh God, please don’t let her be dead. She is all I have, she is all I had. I’ve lived through so much in my life, I can’t let her die with me. Also, God, if you can hear me, I’ve longed to get somethings off my chest. I miss Her so much. I dream of her laugh, her lips, her eyes, her pale blue eyes, her small dimple that appears when she smiles. I miss her. And she has gone, forever. I can’t believe life can let you down so many times and then just chuck you away like a used tissue. I must find out what has happened to her. I need to find out where she is and how she is feeling about my death. I have the obligation to watch over her but I don’t know where to start. I don’t have the power to look for her, I don’t think. The only thing I have left are my memories and even they are dying.
I’ve learnt one thing through all of this, that I hope I’ll remember later on when my demons come knocking again (which they will).
Hang on.
Every second of
Every minute of
Every hour.
Hang on.
Just.
Hang.
On.
That painting's not so blue: the other side of winter
It feels strange at first. You start walking around and noticing things that were always there, that you just didn’t see for a while. Things like the colour of the sky or the way the sun light reflects off of a building at a certain time of day. You start noticing people again. The shape of them, the way that they move, the animation in their facial expressions, their hands, their arms, the way they walk, the life that’s inside them. You start looking into people’s eyes when they speak to you. It seems like a lot, to begin with, but you keep doing it. You sort of keep doing it, in a way, just to see what will happen. That’s a huge part of it, I think. You want to see what will happen. What will happen if I smile at this person? What will happen if I say something? It’s not really sexual. It’s just some strange realisation that we’re all alive right now… What will happen if I go over there instead of staying here? What if I start to feel something? What if I say what I feel? You get restless. You want to be amongst a crowd of strangers again. You want to be one on one with someone you’ve never met. It’s scary. It’s very scary. You still feel sort of separated but that’s ok. You have to deal with it because the alternative is unimaginable.You keep thinking that they don’t know and focusing on the fact that you do. In a way, it feels like your big secret. It feels like you’ve got some depth of understanding that they don’t have. That you hope they don’t ever have. That until so recently, you didn’t have. That until recently, you didn’t even know existed. That’s ok. You have to try to use that to your advantage. You have to use it to their advantage. You want to understand everybody. You want to explain why everything matters. You feel new. And you are. It’s can feel kind of separating and that’s not easy to deal with but it’s alright. It’s an improvement. Progress is supposed to be scarier than staying still. You find yourself in strange places, taking each encounter as an experiment, testing the water or testing yourself. Testing, testing, 1,2,3. It’s working… It crackles a little at first, but it’s working. You’re probably the luckiest person alive when you feel this way. You have the excitement of a child. You see everything for the first time. You feel grateful for seeing grass growing and listening to the radio and tasting food on your tongue and falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning. You do as much as you can. You make up for lost time. People like you. They want to be around you. You see your friends again and they’ve missed you. It’s feels like it’s been a million years. They call it a pink cloud. You have to be careful. After the initial, wonderful flash of colours and sounds and some sense of symphony of engagement and involvement, you realise that you now have a new demon to battle with. You have a future. That’s kind of the weird part, I suppose. You have a future, when you didn’t have one before. Before it was enough just to get through to the end of the day, just to keep on breathing and not cause a fuss and not get in anyone’s way. Now I guess it’s harder. It’s a new stage. You have to actually do things. You want to do things. You only have to do the things that you want to do though. You have to be careful. You don’t want to shoot off to the other end of the scale. You must act with precision. You must keep a clear head. You cannot afford to be self destructive. You’ll still get lonely sometimes, still have a bad mood, a bad day. You’ll still panic when you lose something or are too tired or you miss the last train, but it will be different now. You’ll sit down and you’ll look at the time and you’ll think about what you came out of and where you’re at now and where you’re going to be sooner or later, and you’ll feel calm, knowing that you’re insignificant, in the best possible way.
I don’t know what the best path is for you or me or anyone, but I feel that we’re probably on it, without ever realising.
(Source: pyrrhiccomedy)
It’s a rarity
For people to see
All sides of me.
I’m like a broken prism;
If you shine a light on me,
You’ll get certain colors.
But you have to understand
That I am
Very much accustomed with darkness
And being shattered into a mess.
The disarray of me
May avert your soothing rays.
By griev
I’ve been trying to find how to send a message to another tumblr-er but can’t seem to find the button on my phone app, rah, I love phone applications there so (not) easy to use. Ah well I’ll keep searching. By the way, just a quick update for whoever is following me, I’m in Wales for the time being. It’s my grandma’s 80’th birthday. So I’m trying to not think about things for the time being and coming out of your usual habit helps. Also, I’ve decided to overcome my mind and listen to my heart. I’ve now got a girlfriend, but that is an other story all together (it took me a while to really have the guts to go with my instinct because of all the questions). Well, to cut a long story short, I just wanted to ask if you knew how to send a message to a fellow tumblr-er.
Life is like a roller-coaster full of ups and downs; so have fun when the dip is over. Because it will. One day. Keep believing in it. It’s the only weapon you have against your own mind.
No matter what you decide, someone will get hurt. That’s life for you. You just need to decide what’s more important…
The secret is out…
It just came out, I didn’t think. My secret is out and I’m terrified. I was talking to my dad about life and I said “Well, we all need to learn the harsh realities of it at some point or another.” Later on, my mum asked me “Are you alright at the moment? Something doesn’t seem right.. What’s going on?” And that’s when I just cracked. I laughed and said “I’m fine,well, I’m better. It’s the first time you asked me that though.. The first time.” She started to huff and say that I make things complicated. It escaped me, I didn’t think.. “You want to know the truth? I’ve been depressed for nearly 3 years, but know I’m better. And you didn’t notice a thing. Not one bit.” I’m panicking. I can’t stand it, I’m waiting to here “so, apparently, you’ve been a bit depressed?” from my dad. Why did I tell her, why did it come out.. Why? How stupid can I be? I don’t need more doubts and anxiety at the moment, I’m already overflowing with thoughts.. It’s as though my parents know my biggest secret and now I feel so vulnerable.. (help)
And, whilst sipping on her green tea, her hopeful yet fearful eyes met mine. She looked at me as though I needed to understand something. Then a murmured phrase escaped her : “take a breath, close your eyes, enjoy this moment as if it were your last… Carpe Diem.”
Extract from one of my short stories (no title for it yet though - any ideas?).
Context : Story of a young man, James, fighting in the Battle of the Somme, during the first world war, while reflecting on his relationship with Anna.
I take one step back when someone takes one forwards - towards me.
